ef og þegar

þegar ég var yngri virtust húsin stærri. lífið var upp fullt af möguleikum.
when i was younger death seemed to me like a beautiful woman cled in black, wearing white mascara. she smiled to me tempting and she made me feel 'come to me and i will heal you, i will make you complete'.
death was a soothing sound of music, i was willing to hear. and i gravitated towards her.
now death seems only cold. the darkness has shifted colour, there are endless pitches of black in the world.
i guess death is only tempting when you want to feel nothing at all, but up close its not that great.
funny how the angle always shifts. every month its changing. and every day is a new oppertunety to react.
how am i using my time? i ask. i am using it to regret, mostly.
maybe someday, i will find a way out of this.
when i drove into town and the lightbulbs lighted up, i felt i could perhaps light up as well.
maybe there is another chance after all?
the difference is, when you put your finger in the wound of life, do you lose your belief or can you use it to gain it back?

starting again

recover abused.
nothing has been happening in the way i want things to 'happen' i guess. love is long lost, and at night it haunts me, why did not that work then? why did things turn out the way they did? There are still some loose ends, some paths that were never fully realised. We never tried, so it exists only as a possibility, in my memory. Maybe, that is a sweet feeling that is the only thing capable of warming my thoughts at night, for who would want to think all the possibilities had been totally exhousted? I like the sweet warm beginning of summer, for its the reminder to us that life is full of possibillities. The only thing you have to do is to have courage, courage to reach your hand out and ask for that which you want. You have nothing to lose, and the answer will always be just yes or no.

Things have been calm in the school so i feel less agitated and irretated then usual. sounds pretty good. in other words, there is nothing happening, i am in a state of waiting.

Líkn is recovering from the state of near death. We have got a new drummer, called Þórhallur, who is great. We have some live shows coming up, the first of which is in Listaháskólinn, Laugarnes, next friday the 29th of april. There is a party there of some sorts so, its probably the right atmosphere.

so after that i will possibly feel more alive.

today was a good day

for sleeping.
i decided to have a change of atmosphere and slept through the whole day.
i first went for a suicidal bicycle ride though, with alot of wind running through my hair.
that was funny. musthave helped me get so frightfully tired.
but i managed to read through alot of hitchhikers guide, which i am currently reading, the trilogy in four parts. i am currently in the third part.
i also played some banjo, and some guitar.
i am feeling quite uninspired for my spring piece, as i don't feel much like writing it.
i had a similar problem with my final piece, which i am like 7 minutes into currently (of 20), that i would bounce around ideas only to throw them away. but through that process over and over again, the piece got born.
it's the same with this one. at the moment i feel utterly unhappy with everything about it, except the beginning.

its being performed the 7th of may.

with the album we are currently in a limbo of which guitar is best where, overdubbing is not a good idea.
maybe it will get finished sometime, i'm feeling pretty confused about it.
i hope in the summer.

we have been talking to people about releasing it, but no answers yet.

then ofcourse we could just lend alot of money and release it ourselves.

i must have slep through the first part of the show. but when you oversleep you must only take the rest of the day with storm.

i went to a premiere/party yesterday, and it was fun.
they know how to party, those young hotshots.
those hooligans.

i am currently working on my spring piece in listaháskólinn, and doing my driver's license.
and organizing alot of concerts.
i'm not really organizing them, as i know that i'm not really supposed to be doing that stuff.
at least not alone.

radio

i heard something interesting on the radio. this indian british man was talking. he was talking about life, and god. and he was talking about the ego. the ego, is never satisfied. if you have a pretty girlfriend. you want 3. you want more. why not the whole playboy mansion? the ego is many, its divided. but god is only one. and he is satisfied. for he is love.

ps. the definition of god is every persons own choice. it doesnt have to be god in the traditional sense, its just some kind of higher power. it could be your 3 best friends, just something, to believe in something outside of ourselves.

parasite

parasite
you have lived
a long long time
you have stayed within me (feeding on my blood)
you have changed, changed me
in a way i did not wish to be
never to be complete
never to be complete

a parasite of my emotions
a parasite of thoughts
you vulture of empathy
a vampire in my sleep

you have lived a long long time
you have taken what is not yours
you have changed, changed me
in a way i did not wish to be changed
i can live without you
i cannot live within you
i can live without it

a parasite of my love
a parasite of thoughts
to take with you, what is not yours
a parasite of thoughts

New York City Light

I'm into New York, in the same way i'm into a new lover. You know the way she opens up a whole unseen universe of possibillitie. A curvy redhead, or a skinny dark one, or a blond french one, i absolutely don't mind at all. As Sartre would write, the woman is a metaphor for beholding the whole world. Therefor it does not matter who the object of desire is. I like the streets of manhattan, i had just mentioned to my friends how many the scyscrapers were, when they told me, that they weren't scyscrapers at all, they were in another part of the city. Where it's possible to fall in love twice a day just walking the street. I took your advise, Bella, and walked and walked for miles, 10 hours in the same day. I cannot remember much, because, my timeline was fucked. The timedifference is 4 hours, and then there is the thing, that you lose sense of linear time, in a new place. It is only the sense of things around you, that governs your attention. The second day, i walked alone, and got lost, in the darkness of manhatten, I walked for blocks, not wanting to ask anyone, getting a short grunt, whenever i did. I felt so lost, like i could have disappeared and never be found again, in the world. I walked the womb of the city, into her darkness, her cruelty, her ignorance. I became an insect. It felt like being born, into the Vault anew. i don't know how, but time past and i found myself again at the central station, being cleansed of all my sins, mistakes, 28 and a half years of fucking things up. What a relief. I returned to my drinking again, refreshed.
The first concert went sort of well, although i had to spend 4 hours of saudering, to get my banjo pickup together, which then did not work. So i had to lend one, which luckily was in the owning of one of the people there. It was the loft of bubblecore records, and the people kind of dropped their cool for a moment, and danced. The second concert was a different story in front of 400 NY hipsters, we had a medium good day, opening for Animal Collective. I was pleased, but not everyone in the kammergroup. Then we played in Bowery's Ballroom the following day, opening for Animal Collective again. I had a shitty time, because i had some technical difficulties with a fuzz pedal. It's kind of annoying when you don't know if the sound is going to deliver inself out of the amplifier. oh, well, a lot of sacrifice is needed for playing the banjo. It has worked well though, expanding the sound of the group. 3 guitars, kind of wasn't working out. There was too much of a muddy sound. The banjo has a different resonance then the guitar, and a wonderful percussive attack.
But the guitar is shaped like a woman.
i spent my last day, walking through central park, which had been packed in orange cloth, hung over the walkways. I hadn't realized how hugh the thing is, it's like 50 blocks. And in the middle of the biggest city in the world. I went to the Dakota, where Lennon lived, and the corner where he was shot. Yoko still lives there. It has a quite gothic, in it's gloominess.
I came home tired, but somewhat recharged, although i didn't really feel like coming back!